A glowing performance review. Your partner admires your ’selflessness’. A colleague singing your praises after helping them with a task. That rush of validation? Feels good, doesn’t it?
But what happens when your sense of self-worth comes entirely from the approval of other people? If you find yourself constantly chasing the next ‘hit’ of external approval, you might be caught in a cycle that looks a lot like an addiction.
The external validation trap
Over-reliance on external validation can mimic the pattern of addiction. A compliment, a ‘thank you,’ or a sign of approval gives you a boost—temporarily. But soon enough, self-doubt creeps back in, and the craving for another dose of validation takes over. To get it, you overwork, overcompensate, and overthink, convincing yourself that if you just try harder, you’ll finally feel ‘enough.’
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For many women—especially those raised to be ‘good girls’—this pattern starts early. Praise was often tied to compliance: being easygoing, high-achieving, and self-sufficient. The result? You learned that your worth wasn’t inherent; it was something earned through being agreeable, responsible, and exceptional.
But this relentless pursuit of approval doesn’t just leave you exhausted—it’s a fast track to burnout.F
The link between good girl conditioning and burnout
‘Good girl’ conditioning trains you to prioritise others’ needs over your own. You become the dependable one, the fixer, the emotional caretaker. You feel responsible for keeping the peace, for doing things ‘right,’ for never being a burden. And in workplaces that reward perfectionism and over-functioning, this conditioning only deepens.
The problem? Living this way is unsustainable. When self-worth hinges on external praise, you can never truly rest. You take on too much, struggle to set boundaries, and push through exhaustion in pursuit of being seen as capable, kind, and irreplaceable. Over time, your nervous system stays in a constant state of hypervigilance, leading to stress, resentment, and eventually, burnout.
Recalibrating: From external validation to inner compass
Breaking free from this cycle doesn’t mean rejecting all external validation—after all, we’re wired for connection, and positive feedback feels good! The shift comes from no longer depending on it as your primary source of self-worth. Instead of chasing approval, it’s about recalibrating to your own inner compass.
1. Identify your core values
Rather than defining yourself by how others see you, reconnect with what you value. Ask yourself: What kind of person do I want to be? What truly matters to me beyond how I am perceived? Maybe integrity, creativity, or authenticity resonate more than being seen as ‘hardworking’ or ‘nice.’ Let these values—not external praise—become your guideposts.
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2. Notice when you’re seeking a ‘hit’
Start tuning in to the moments you crave validation. Are you about to say ‘yes’ to something you don’t have the capacity for? Are you re-reading a text before sending it, making sure it sounds ‘perfect’? Pause and ask: Am I doing this because it aligns with my values, or because I want to be seen a certain way?
3. Get comfortable with discomfort
But I don’t want to sugar-coat this for you. Detaching from external validation can feel deeply uncomfortable at first. It might bring up guilt, fear, or self-doubt. Learning to tolerate these feelings is part of the process. Instead of rushing to ‘fix’ them by seeking reassurance, practice sitting with the discomfort and remind yourself that this is the only way to kick the external-praise habit.
4. Celebrate internal wins
Instead of relying on external feedback, shift your focus to how you feel about your efforts. Did you uphold a boundary, even though it felt uncomfortable? Did you rest when your body needed it, rather than pushing through? Acknowledge these wins. Over time, your nervous system will learn that self-trust and self-worth don’t require an audience.
5. Redefine success
Rather than seeing success as being liked, needed, or impressive, redefine it on your terms. Success might look like living in alignment with your values, having relationships where you don’t have to over-function, or simply prioritising rest over productivity.
Shifting away from an addiction to praise doesn’t mean you’ll never enjoy compliments or recognition again. The difference is, you don’t solely rely on these comments to feel good enough. When self-worth comes from within, you no longer need to hustle for approval. You get to take up space, set boundaries, slow down and live in a way that feels sustainable.
And that? That’s real freedom.
Madeline McKenzie, of Sit With Self, is an accredited mental health social worker living in Melbourne with her partner and toddler. Madeline strongly believes that in order to go deep with others, you must have unravelled and befriended your own inner system.
