At the end of the day, friendship isn’t all sunshine and inside jokes. Friends fight, no matter how much you love your closest ones. There will be moments when they frustrate you, let you down, or straight-up piss you off. Maybe they bailed on your birthday dinner at the last minute, or perhaps they’ve been distant and you don’t know why. And chances are, you’ve annoyed them in return for reasons known or otherwise. Whatever the catalyst, conflict is part of any real relationship.
But while it might feel uncomfortable, research suggests that arguing with your friends (when done right) can actually make your bond stronger.
At first, this sounds counterintuitive. Shouldn’t great friendships be easy? Isn’t drama something we’re supposed to avoid? But think about it like this: the people we care about the most are the ones who can hurt us the most. And when you truly value a friendship, you’re more likely to want to address the tension rather than just walk away.
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The study
Psychologists have studied how friendships survive (or fall apart) after conflict, and the key takeaway is that it’s not if you fight, but how you fight that matters. A study highlighted in The Conversation found that handling disagreements constructively, meaning you actually talk things out instead of giving the cold shoulder, can lead to deeper mutual understanding. Basically, hashing it out can help both of you feel heard, respected and valued.
There’s also a scientific reason why conflict can be good for friendships. Studies on attachment theory suggest that people with secure attachments are better at navigating conflict in a healthy way. Instead of seeing a fight as a threat to the friendship, they see it as something to work through.
On the flip side, people with more anxious attachment styles may fear conflict because they worry it means the relationship is falling apart. But the truth is, avoiding difficult conversations can actually create more distance in the long run.
This doesn’t mean that all fights are productive, though. If you’re constantly clashing with a friend in a way that feels toxic or one-sided, that’s a different issue. But for strong, healthy friendships, conflict can be a sign that both people care enough to be honest with each other. In fact, one study found that friendships where both people are willing to argue tend to be more balanced and long-lasting.
How to fight ‘right’
So, how do you fight in a way that strengthens your friendship instead of breaking it? The key is approaching conflict with openness and respect. Instead of shutting down or lashing out, try explaining how you feel without making accusations. Saying, “Hey, I felt hurt when you didn’t show up the other night,” is way more effective than, “You’re such a terrible friend.” Also, listening to their side of things is crucial. Maybe they had a legitimate reason, or maybe they didn’t even realize they upset you. Either way, a conversation can bring clarity that passive-aggressiveness never will.
At the end of the day, great friendships aren’t just about the fun times, they’re about knowing you can be honest with each other and still come out stronger. If you and a friend have hit a rough patch, don’t assume it’s the end. Maybe it’s just the start of a deeper, more real connection.
