People-pleasing is a pattern of behaviour that involves prioritising other people’s needs, requests, feelings or expectations above and beyond one’s own personal boundaries or preferences. It often results in one saying yes when they really want to say no, and doing so in an attempt to avoid disappointment, conflict or criticism from others.
In most cases, people-pleasing behaviour is deep-seated in childhood conditioning. The young girl learned that in order to stay safe, to have her needs or desires met, or in order to regulate the emotions of herself and of those around her, needed to be viewed as the ‘nice girl’ or the ‘good girl.’
Whilst this conditioning certainly plays a role in childhood and can help children to establish good manners and reward certain positive behaviours, it usually becomes problematic ponce it extends to adulthood. Unfortunately, there is no rite of passage in our school curriculum or in society where we say to young women “You can still be a kind person, however saying yes to things you don’t want to say yes to just to make others feel comfortable, is not a requirement.” Consequently, women continue to people-please for one of two reasons; 1) To receive external validation from others, or 2) To avoid negative reactions from others.
Here are 5 ways that you can learn to say ‘no’ gracefully.
1. Gain clarity on your boundaries
In order to say no gracefully and with ease, it is important to first gain clarity on what your personal boundaries are in the first instance. To support with this, you can consider what people/activities/requests you said yes to over the past year, that created the most amount of pain or regret. For example, did you say yes to attending an event out of obligation, even though you dreaded the lead up to it, only to leave feeling drained and resentful? Make a note of these types of situations, and add them to a ‘not-to-do list.’
2. Establish personal policies
Once you have clarity on your boundaries, you can create personal policies to support in the establishment of those boundaries. For example, “for the next 6 months, I am not available for any unpaid speaking opportunities/coffee meetings/requests to catch up on Sundays.”
3. Create templates for saying no
Once you have established your personal policies, you can then create templates to support you in saying no in a graceful and respectful manner e.g. “I am so flattered that you would think of me for this opportunity, however I currently have a personal policy in place where I am not taking on any unpaid speaking opportunities for the next 6 months. I would love to stay connected and should you have any paid opportunities or should my requirements change in the near future, I would love to be considered. Thank you so much again for thinking of me!”
When you are able to refer to a policy that you have in place, saying ‘no’ feels less personal. It is policy, not personal.
4. Support in other ways
One way to say no without feeling guilty for it, is to say no whilst offering alternate solutions. As an example, if someone comes into your inbox asking for unsolicited advice, you could say “thank you so much for reaching out! I actually have a blog post/podcast/another expert I can refer you to on this topic, which you can find here.” This is a strategy you can utilise to be supportive and kind to the other person, whilst still respecting your own personal boundaries.
5. Nervous system regulation
Nervous system regulation is an incredibly powerful way of stretching your capacity to hold more – whether this handling other people’s projections, negative reactions or healing the constant need for external validation. Working with a qualified professional to understand the root cause of the childhood conditioning or trauma and putting the appropriate tools and strategies in place can be incredible beneficial.
Practicing self-compassion modalities such as forgiveness, gratitude and self-care are ways that support you in dissolving your people-pleasing tendencies and saying no without hating yourself for it. When you demonstrate to others that you respect yourself and your personal boundaries, then others are more likely to respect you for it, too.
Lara Nercessian is an human resources expert, keynote speaker and executive career and mindset mentor.
