Suffer from the ‘good girl’ persona and don’t know how to overcome it? Or perhaps you have an inkling that you’re a people pleaser, but haven’t invested the time in yourself to find out (we hear you). Well, to clear the muddines let’s set it all out for you – if you’re a good girl, it might go something a little like this:
“No worries!” you reply automatically, adding another commitment to your overflowing life. “Of course, I’m here for you,” tumbles out as you cancel your long-awaited massage for a friend in crisis. “It’s fine!” you assure your partner who forgot your birthday again, while disappointment knots in your chest.
Sound familiar? You’re not alone. Many of us have mastered the art of being “good” – anticipating needs, smoothing tensions, and keeping everyone happy. But lately, you’ve noticed the exhaustion creeping in. The resentment building in your relationships. The nagging feeling that somewhere between being everything to everyone, you’ve lost touch with yourself. That, above all, is the main reason to ditch the ‘good girl’ syndrome.
What exactly is the ‘good girl’ pattern?
Recent research has uncovered a concerning pattern. By age eleven, most of us have internalised a powerful message: love must be earned through perfect performance, endless pleasing, and protecting others at all costs. A survey of over 1,000 Australian women revealed that 65% feel pressured to be the ‘good girl’ others expect. The cost? A staggering 82% report burnout from maintaining impossible standards, while many describe how these patterns contribute to strained friendships, difficult family dynamics, and romantic relationships built on proving their worth rather than genuine connection.
RELATED: Three main reasons why people pleasing does far more harm than good
But here’s the hopeful news: you can break free from this cycle. Research has identified three evidence-based strategies to help you reclaim your authenticity while building deeper, more meaningful relationships. Here’s how to start:
Three ways to ditch the ‘good girl’ pattern
Practice self-compassion first
When you’ve been conditioned to see imperfections as threats to your worthiness, self-criticism becomes automatic. Maybe you berate yourself for setting a boundary with family (“I’m such a selfish daughter”), isolate after a disagreement with your partner (“I always ruin everything”), or ruminate about social interactions (“I should have been more supportive”). This perfectionism prison doesn’t just exhaust you – it prevents genuine intimacy by keeping you trapped in performance mode rather than allowing real connection.
Try this
Write yourself a “Best Friend Letter” when you’re struggling. Start with “Dear [your name],” and acknowledge what’s hard right now. Remind yourself that everyone faces relationship challenges – you’re not alone in learning to balance others’ needs with your own. Share what your wisest, most caring friend would say about your capacity to be both caring and authentic. Close with specific words of encouragement and sign it with love. Keep this letter handy for moments when your inner critic gets loud about “not being good enough” in your relationships.
Build secure attachment
When abandonment fears run deep, you might default to people-pleasing at all costs – saying yes to every family demand, absorbing friends’ emotional struggles as your own, or avoiding difficult conversations with your partner. But real relationship security starts within. Research shows that consistently honoring your authentic needs and feelings creates an unshakeable foundation for genuine connection. This isn’t about becoming selfish – it’s about developing the inner resources to stay true to yourself while maintaining meaningful bonds.
Try this
Practice setting “PPE” boundaries (Pause, Protect, Express). Before automatically saying yes to your mother’s unannounced visits or your friend’s midnight crisis calls, pause and check in with yourself. Protect your needs by choosing a limit that feels right. Express it clearly and kindly: “I care about our relationship, and I also need to create some predictability in my schedule. Could we plan regular catch-ups instead of spontaneous ones?” Remember: others’ disappointment doesn’t mean your boundary is wrong – it just means you’re changing an established pattern that may have served them but was depleting you.
Strengthen self-leadership
Living authentically requires aligning your actions with your deepest values, even when it’s uncomfortable in your closest relationships. Research shows we all have access to what’s called “Self-energy” – a natural capacity for clear, compassionate leadership. When connected to this core essence, you can access eight powerful capabilities: clarity, compassion, curiosity, connectedness, confidence, creativity, courage, and calmness. These qualities help you navigate relationship challenges from a centered place rather than reactivity.
Try this
Take regular “Self-Energy Breaks” throughout your day. Find a quiet moment, place one hand on your heart and one on your belly. Take several slow breaths until you feel grounded. Ask yourself: “What matters most in this relationship right now?” Notice which of the eight capabilities feels most available (like curiosity or compassion). Let that quality guide your next interaction. Maybe curiosity helps you listen to your partner’s perspective without defensiveness, or courage helps you share a difficult truth with a friend. With practice, you’ll build trust in your inner wisdom rather than seeking constant external validation.
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Things to remember when modifying your perspective
Remember, unlearning “good girl” conditioning takes time. You might face fears of disapproval as you learn to honor your true needs, especially with people used to your endless accommodation. But each small step toward authenticity creates ripples of positive change in all your relationships – especially the one with yourself.
RELATED: What do if you have abandonment issues
Start by noticing one way being “good” might be costing your relationships today. Maybe it’s pretending everything’s fine when it isn’t. Maybe it’s taking responsibility for others’ emotions. Maybe it’s hiding your real feelings to keep the peace. Then take one tiny step to show up more authentically instead.
Because here’s the truth: Real love never demands self-abandonment. The deepest connections grow from showing up exactly as we are – perfectly imperfect, authentically human, and worthy of love simply because we exist.
Dr. Michelle McQuaid is a globally recognised wellbeing researcher and bestselling author. Through her work at The Good Girl Game Changers, she helps women break free from societal expectations to create more authentic relationships with themselves and others.*
