It wasn’t until later in life that I realised the deep impact domestic violence at a young age had on me throughout the years. An unexpected separation at 33 years old – as a mum of two young boys – brought it to light. From that moment, I became fully aware of the deep and long ramifications that came from growing up in a violent household.
On the outside I was a very capable, hard-working, loving and caring wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. But on the inside, I was in constant fight, flight and freeze. Under the surface I was unknowingly suffering from anxiety and PSTD.
It is worth mentioning, here, that the below contains information and content that some could find distressing. If you or a loved one is experiencing domestic violence please considering calling 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) the National Sexual Assault, Domestic Family Violence Counselling Service.
How it came to the surface
Over time, I thought I was a person that didn’t like change, avoided risk and needed structure. I had a racing busy mind and was a constant worrier, just like my mum.
I thought the constant and regular headaches and pain in my body were due to over-training, failing to stretch adequately, or not training enough. For as long as I could remember I’d had gut issues, constipation, and bloating with certain foods. I tried everything; changing my diet, seeing naturopaths, taking supplements and testing for other issues. While there were some improvements, the symptoms would return. It wouldn’t be for another three to five years that I would really understand why.
Looking at my past
I thought I had ‘dealt’ with my past and that it was behind me. My body, though, was on a different page. I could talk about it a little bit without becoming emotional, but generally I bottled it up. I didn’t fully speak about or share the real truth of what I had experienced, even with my husband. What my mother and siblings and I had endured in a household has left lifelong scars. My mother’s husband was mentally, emotionally and physically violent.
RELATED: Recognising the signs of domestic violence, per a psychologist
I still held so much shame around my childhood and that shame created a protection. It stopped me from allowing people to get too close and there was always this part that I hid. Parts that were too painful to understand, and so my body held it instead.
I remember being a teen and seeing my friends and their families, and wishing my life was different. I was eight when my mother partnered with a man that would go on to cause mass destruction within our family. It was five years of him living with us and another roughly six years of him being an immediate threat to us all. Beyond that, it has been a lifetime of ongoing mental, emotional, physical and financial ramifications that follows us all.
View this post on Instagram
Masking the scars
Growing up I finished school, went to university, held down multiple jobs, got promotions and maintained relationships well. To the outside world no one would have guessed what we experienced and what I witnessed as a child.
That’s the remarkable nature of our bodies. I’d created coping strategies that worked for a time to protect me and suppress painful experiences so that I could function. Over time, some of those strategies took their toll. When there’s that constant threat to survival, the body is on high alert, and that switch was on for at least 11 years.
Healing over time
These past years, it’s been a path of supporting my body to turn off that flight and flight response. A path of uncovering and understanding the ways I react and operate. Ultimately, I am focussing on how I can live day-to-day at ease.
I’m speaking up and speaking out about my experience. To name the shame, guilt, fear, grief and other emotions that I felt, and continued to feel rather than bury it. It’s been a path of seeking and trying different therapies and modalities to heal the past.
Today I operate less in anxiety and overwhelm. I’ve reduced many of the physical symptoms and and have the space to invest in my career and my family as a single mother.
This is the reality of the bigger impacts of family violence. It’s important to remember that I was not the direct victim, my mother was. Yet as a bystander and a child living in that environment, I was equally impacted. The ongoing impacts of family and domestic violence are often invisible and will be different for each person.
View this post on Instagram
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 000 for police and emergency services. For 24/7 confidential support and information, call 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) the National Sexual Assault, Domestic Family Violence Counselling Service.
Mira Claudia is participating in ‘I Run For Her’ on Sunday, 13 October, the annual event held nationally to encourage the community to come together and make a stand against domestic violence. All funds raised will help the Got Your Back Sista charity to provide the resources, tools and information for women and children to begin their lives again. Register as an individual or team at irunforher.com or donate to Mira’s team Her Trybe
