In recent weeks, the controversy surrounding the movie It Ends With Us, based on Colleen Hoover’s novel, starring Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni, has captured the attention of audiences everywhere. It’s one of those situations where, even if you tried to look away, you couldn’t possibly escape the noise. It’s been dominating social media feeds and news outlets alike for weeks. It’s been a tale of two halves: one focussing on the bigger, significant issues surrounding domestic violence that underpin the storyline and are sadly reflective of large swathes of society today, the second, more trivial buzz around co-star fall outs and hair product promotions.
If you were one of those people that scrolled right on past, let us catch you up to speed. It Ends With Us deals with the heavy theme of domestic violence, but due to the nature of the press tour, you could be forgiven for thinking it was a rom-com. In fact, that’s exactly where all the controversy started. While It Ends With Us tells the story of Lily Bloom, a young woman who falls in love with a neurosurgeon named Ryle Kincaid who gradually becomes abusive through controlling and violent behaviour. It exemplifies how abuse can occur even in relationships that seem ideal on the surface.
So why all the controversy? Well, Blake Lively’s team seemingly chose to ignore the darker themes in the film, instead opting for a light-hearted, rom-com-style promotion. While the book and film has been praised for its raw portrayal of abusive relationships, many audiences were caught off guard by its intense content.
Despite the buzz, there is an upside: it has sparked wider discussions about domestic violence, particularly the need for greater awareness around spotting the signs. We’ve decided to opt for the deeper level of reporting here at Women’s Health, sidestepping the flowers and gossip for a sobering look at domestic violence. We spoke with Dr. Maria-Elena Lukeides on how to recognise the signs of abuse when it comes to domestic violence, and how we can support those who may be experiencing it. See below for her expert thoughts on a very crippling situation.
It is worth mentioning, here, that the below contains information and content that some could find distressing. If you or a loved one is experiencing domestic violence please considering calling 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) the National Sexual Assault, Domestic Family Violence Counselling Service.
Recognising the signs of domestic violence
Despite the controversy, It Ends With Us serves as a powerful tool for recognising the subtle signs of abuse. Domestic violence is incredibly complicated due to the fact that abusive relationships can develop gradually which makes them difficult to identify (for those in the relationship, and those outside of it).
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Part of the reason it becomes so hard to leave these relationships is due to the intense emotional dynamics at play. Domestic violence relationships typically follow a cyclical pattern that is characterised by extreme emotional contrasts. It often starts with tension building (feelings of anxiety and walking on eggshells), leads to an explosive incident (often paired with abuse and withdrawal of love) then finishes with some form of reconciliation where the abuser pleads, shows remorse, makes promises, and displays love bombing behaviour. Unfortunately, this cycle often repeats time and time again, and can create an addictive pattern for the victim.
What are some warning signs that you, or someone you know, might be in an abusive relationship?
Controlling behaviour
Controlling behaviour or coercive control includes attempts to exert power over their victim. It can start with subtle things like asking for updates about their victim’s whereabouts, but can snowball into dictating who they spend time with, monitoring their communication and using manipulation tactics to influence who they see/what they do. These actions are often motivated by jealousy, thus creating a cycle of mistrust, resentment, and further domineering actions. Thankfully, coercive control has recently been criminalised in New South Wales and Queensland, making it a standalone offense (punishable by up to 7 years imprisonment, with a maximum penalty of 14 years).
Isolation from friends and family
This is an insidious tactic commonly used in abusive relationships (where the aim is to make the victim feel entirely dependent on the abuser). It often starts with seemingly innocent requests (“let’s spend more quality time together”), but eventually builds into restrictions and demands. The reason isolation can be so treacherous is because the victim feels as though they have no one left to turn to.
Verbal threats and put-downs
Words can have severe impact on the victim’s mental health over time. Whether its seemingly innocent things like “friendly name calling” (there’s no such thing) or subtle belittling, these tactics can unfortunately progress to violence. This includes hints of potential consequences (e.g., “Let’s not anything bad to happen”) or threatening to withhold money or take custody over children.
Unpredictable and erratic mood swings
Sudden changes in the abuser’s emotional state (often without reason or warning) can be a sign of domestic abuse. The shifts can see the abuser go from one emotional state to the other, usually within a matter of minutes. Unlike mood changes in response to real events, these emotional outbursts seem to come “out of nowhere” and can leave the victim unable to anticipate when their mood will change (or what might trigger it). Victims often feel they’re “walking on eggshells,” always trying to gauge and manage their partner’s mood. Unfortunately, it can cause the victim to withdraw from family and friends in order to avoid triggering the abuser’s mood swings.
Financial control
Financial control, or “economic abuse” is another form of control, a tactic used by abusers to gain power over their partners. Research suggests that financial abuse occurs in 99% of domestic violence cases. This abuse can range from withholding money or giving an “allowance”, through to forbidding the victim from working and/or refusing to pay household bills (in an ultimate attempt to ruin the victim’s credit score). The reason this tactic is so dangerous is because without any access to money, it is extremely difficult for victims to leave the relationship.
Physical violence
This is a tactic is considered one that is “easier to spot” (however victims will often hide evidence or make excuses for any injuries). Physical acts an escalate over time in both how often, and how severe – for example, what might start as occasional pushing or shoving can progress to more violent and frequent attacks. In many cases, the threat of physical violence is also used as a means of control (even when actual physical abuse isn’t necessarily frequent).
Pexels: Octoptimist
How you can help someone suffering from domestic violence
If you’re concerned a friend or loved one may be in an abusive relationship, it is important to speak up. While it can be a difficult topic to broach, your support can be crucial in helping them find help and safety. Below is a step-by-step guide to help someone you know suffering from domestic violence.
Start by creating a safe space for the victim
Ideally a safe space is somewhere the victim is free to talk openly (somewhere where there is no fear of being overheard or interrupted). The conversation needs to be done with complete discretion (ensuring that their abuser does not find out about it, or even your attempts to have the conversation). Also make sure that you keep the conversation private (unless they give you permission to share or if there’s an immediate safety risk).
Listen actively and empathetically
Allow your friend to share their situation at their own pace while you practice reflective listening. Try to validate their feelings and experiences without any judgment. When you do talk, always avoid victim-blaming statements or questions surrounding why they’ve stayed in the relationship. Try to use “I” statements when sharing your observations, for example, saying things like “I’ve noticed you seem anxious lately, and I’m worried about you.”
Offer specific support and resource
Instead of general offers like “I’m here if you need anything,” provide practical assistance. For example, offer support like “I can watch your kids on Tuesday if you need time to yourself”. Also share information about local resources like domestic violence hotlines and shelters if they need it. You can also gently suggest speaking with a psychologist or counsellor who might specialise in domestic violence.
Devise a safety plan
If they are open to it, assist in creating a plan that can includes emergency contacts, a safe place to go, and essential items to take if they need to leave quickly.
Be patient
Understand that change takes time, and your role is to support, not to “rescue”, or force them into change. It’s important to empower your friend or loved one to make their own decisions (while ensuring they know you’re there to support them through the process).
Pexels: Liza Summer
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 000 for police and emergency services. For 24/7 confidential support and information, call 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) the National Sexual Assault, Domestic Family Violence Counselling Service.
Dr. Maria-Elena Lukeides is a highly experienced clinical psychologist based in Sydney, with over 20 years of expertise in the field of psychology. She specialises in treating a wide range of psychological issues and holds qualifications as a mindfulness and meditation teacher.
