If you’ve scrolled Instagram or TikTok recently, the chances are you’ve come across the ‘Let Them’ theory.
Created by ex-lawyer, podcaster and motivational speaker Mel Robbins, who’s videos about the theory have been viewed 20 million times, it’s said to help you them take your power back and transform your life.
Based on Robbins’ book of the same name, the crux of the Let Them theory is to simply let other people do, say and believe what they want. On paper, that’s simple – but if you squirmed at the idea then it might be an indication that you’re putting far too much emphasis on other people’s opinions of and actions towards you.
That’s where Let Them is said to help. ‘When you “Let Them” do whatever it is that they want to do, it creates more control and emotional peace for you and a better relationship with the people in your life,’ claims Robbins.
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To dive deeper into the trend, WH asked Dr Jade Thomas, chartered psychologist and founder of Luxe Psychology Practice, to explain why Let Them has caught everyone’s attention and who it can help.
‘I think this theory is so popular because it is so simple and relatable. So many people get focused and bothered about what others are doing or thinking or saying that this theory offers a simple and refreshing perspective,’ explains Dr Thomas.
How does the Let Them theory work?
Imagine the scene. Your ex has been talking badly about you behind your back, twisting a story about something that happened between you. Or maybe they’ve been messaging someone new and you’ve heard the news through the grapevine.
Your immediate reaction might be to retaliate: to message them and ask why, defend yourself or call them out on their behaviour.
Robbins wants you to instead simply let them. Let them talk about you. Let them move on. Let them.
That instance could be applied to bosses, friends, people on the internet and wider groups of people. The goal is to simply let them get on with whatever it is.
That may sound avoidant, but the tool is actually rooted in the psychological principle of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), says Dr Thomas. ‘In much of my work with clients in I see what drives anxiety or stress is when we lack control, and unfortunately one thing we cannot control is others (what others do, think or say),’ she says.
‘Often, I work with clients to reflect on what is within their control and what is outside of it and get them to solely focus on things within their control. I help them acknowledge how much emotional energy they might be putting into the things they can’t control that actually leads to no change in outcome. This idea aligns well with Mel Robbins’s theory.’
What is the benefit of the Let Them theory?
By not putting so much energy into the things we have no control over, we leave more brain space for ourselves, our own paths and creating the life we want.
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‘The Let Them theory allows us to shift our thinking and reduce our focus and emotional energy of other people’s behaviour, thoughts or words and puts us back into the driving seat of our own life, which as Mel states can be emotionally and psychologically very freeing and bring us internal peace,’ agrees Dr Thomas. ‘Everyone can benefit from that.’
How to do the Let Them theory
The Let Them theory may be based around just two words but it’s also a whole book, so if it resonates with you, it’s worth reading all of what Robbins has to say. However, a quick framework involves:
Let Them
‘Pause before your reaction,’ says Dr Thomas. ‘Detach from the stressful response and remember what you cannot control.’
Let Me
‘Focus on yourself and what you can control. What will you say, think or do? What will be your words, thoughts, and actions?’
Breathe
‘Slow your stress response, calm yourself and regain your power. Deep breathing is scientifically proven to reset your nervous system.’
Dr Thomas adds: ‘This theory will take practice as you are resetting the way your brain works and challenging your previously learnt response. The bottom line is trying to manage things beyond your control will not change the outcome or other people. Instead, focus on controlling how you respond and what you can do.’
This article originally appeared on Women’s Health U.K.
