Despite positive strides towards equality, traditional gender roles and expectations remain entrenched in dating culture and romantic customs. So much so that in a new study by Bumble, it was revealed that 88% of Australians say equality is important, however 80% reveal there are different gender expectations and behaviours.
To find out more we spoke to Helen Chik, author of Sex, Swipes and other stories who has herself experienced it herself.
What is the romance gap?
To me, the romance gap is essentially the deeply ingrained biases people assign to gender roles in the dating and relationship realm. The idea that women should be bashful and reserved, and allow a male to beat his chest to walk forward and take charge is unfortunately still a belief that so many people hold.
Bumble has recently collated some interesting but not surprising statistics showing that whilst we believe equality is important in relationships, the majority of us (80%) still believe that there are different expectations and expected behaviours based on your gender identity. Behavioural traits that are perceived as romantic for men, are often negatively labelled for women – I believe they call that a double standard.
Why is it a thing?
Think about how long it takes you to kick a bad habit. You might be successful at it for a few days or perhaps a few weeks if you’re disciplined, but occasionally you fall off the wagon. That process is repeated over and over until it’s no longer required. How many times it’s repeated is completely dependent on the individual and their willpower to change. Now compound this process for everybody in society who are busy kicking their own unique bad habits at their own pace. Their individual success is dependent on how committed they are to changing and some people just aren’t that devoted.
Eliminating something so deeply entrenched in our society takes time – potentially over generations – to see real and enduring change. It’s not just an investment of time but a significant and conscious effort from society. To reach a consensus on such a divisive subject of gender roles and expected behaviour is like attempting to climb Everest. We’re making progress, but we’ve got a long way to go.
What is your experience with it?
I think for the most part I’ve tried to steer as far away from societal expectations of how women should behave in the dating world.
Bumble found that when it comes to taking the lead and advancing the relationship, on matters such as asking the other person out, making the first move, or initiating the first kiss, there is still pressure on men to be responsible for making the big moves. I have always felt empowered to make the first move as a woman, so this is a stigma I want to squash and feel we need to have a conversation about why society feels this way.
I talk about this in my book – Sex, Swipes & Other Stories – where women should embrace making the first move, not only in the online realm but also in real life situations. I also talk about the fact that whilst it may be considered ‘chivalrous’ for a man to pick up the tab on a first date, it also perpetuates benevolent sexism. Unfortunately, many of us suffer from internalised misogyny and although many women consider themselves feminists, some still hold the belief that a man should pay for the first date.
Personally, if I know that I don’t like someone – I’d almost always offer to split the bill or quietly settle the bill in its entirety myself.
How can we move forward?
Specifically in the world of dating, the best way to move forward is for women to expose themselves to a more progressive attitude towards approaching potential dating partners. It’s important for women to realise that whilst there is still going to be a portion of the dating pool that believes that a woman being ‘too forward’ or ‘too keen’ is ‘desperate’ – they’re probably not the ideal partner to have if you want to have any hope of fostering an equitable relationship.
If you are in a relationship, assess if you believe there is a romance gap and start a conversation about it with your partner. If you’re single, try thinking about some of these things and how you feel about them before your next first date.
