I’ve been seeing someone new and the sex is okay, but it’s not great. There are a few things he does which are just a bit off or feel uncomfortable. I know he has good intentions and I don’t want to hurt his feelings or offend him. What’s the best way to let him know?
Yours, A Bit Disappointed
Hi A Bit Disappointed,
You leave the bedroom feeling a little unsatisfied, but you don’t want to bruise their ego? You’re definitely not alone in this.
Many women struggle with this exact dilemma—wanting to enjoy sex more but unsure how to bring it up without hurting their lover’s feelings. But you deserve to enjoy sex just as much as your partner – and anyone worth being with should want you to enjoy yourself too.
Women and men (still) get different messages around sex
Sexual expectations are shaped early in life, and men and women still often receive very different messages.
Men are taught that they should be naturally skilled at sex, leading to pressure and anxiety about their performance. Women, on the other hand, may be conditioned to prioritise their partner’s pleasure over their own, making it harder to voice what they need.
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The good news? Most men genuinely want their partners to enjoy sex and would appreciate guidance.
How to get clear on what you want
Before you can communicate what you want, it helps to check in with yourself. What’s missing? Is it more foreplay, a different pace, or emotional connection? Exploring what turns you on—through solo play, reading about pleasure, or even mindful body awareness—can make it easier to guide your partner.
Sexual communication is one of the keys to great sex
Talking about sex can feel awkward, but it’s key for a satisfying sex life. Good sexual communication leads to more pleasure, deeper connection, and a greater sense of safety in intimacy.
However, many of us struggle to bring it up due to:
- Fear of hurting their partner’s ego
- Worry about making things awkward
- Lack of experience talking about sex openly
- Cultural and societal norms that discourage direct conversations about pleasure
While these concerns are valid, avoiding the conversation only keeps both partners from experiencing the best sex possible.
Conversations outside the bedroom can help
Sexual communication doesn’t always have to happen in the heat of the moment. In fact, it’s often easier to have these discussions in a relaxed, neutral setting—on a walk, over text, or watching a TV show that sparks the topic. Keeping it casual helps make the conversation feel less intimidating and avoids pressure or defensiveness.
Try phrases like:
- “I read something interesting about pleasure and thought we could try…”
- “I love learning what turns you on—what’s something you’ve always been curious about?”
- “I’ve been thinking about what really feels good for me, and I’d love to share it with you.”
Giving feedback in the moment
Providing gentle guidance during intimacy can feel tricky, but it doesn’t have to be. The key is to approach it as a way to enhance pleasure for both of you rather than correcting mistakes. Keeping feedback playful, encouraging, and specific makes all the difference.
Try using phrases like:
- “I love when you do that—can you do it a little slower/faster?”
- “That feels amazing, and I’d love to try this too.”
- “Let’s try a different angle, I think it could feel even better.”
What if they get defensive?
- Reassure them it’s not about them being ‘bad’ at sex, but about discovering what feels good for both of you.
- Keep the conversation positive—focus on what could feel even better rather than what isn’t working.
- If they struggle with feedback, normalise it—every couple learns and evolves together.
- Let them know what they’re already doing well—reinforcing the good makes feedback easier to accept.
You deserve a sex life that excites and satisfies you, and honest conversations are an important step in getting there. By speaking up with confidence and kindness, you’re creating more intimacy, trust, and pleasure for both of you.
