How to tell a partner you’re depressed

Maintaining a healthy relationship in itself can be incredibly tough, add feelings of depression and anxiety to the mix and it’s a whole other ballgame. But it’s not an unusual position to be in: some 14.8 million adults deal with a major depressive disorder, and their illness often takes quite a toll on them as well as on their partners.

Worth noting: Depression can strike at any time, so even if you’re in an LTR, you might one day find yourself dealing with persistent sadness, anxiety, pessimism, sudden loss of interest in normally joyous activities or decrease in energy or ongoing fatigue (read more about depression here).

Like many things in relationships, keeping your feelings to yourself and not being honest about the mental state you are in with your partner can only make things worse.

Research has shown that when one partner in a relationship is not open about their depression, it can have a significant impact on the relationship. Studies have found that couples in which one partner has depression can experience reduced relationship satisfaction and increased relationship conflict, increased stress and tension, reduced levels of communication and intimacy, and higher risk of separation or divorce.

“Many of the common symptoms that people experience when they are depressed include errors in their thinking such as ‘…I am not lovable…I’m too much of a burden… I shouldn’t be around people…I should keep my issues to myself’. This can unfortunately impact relationships, and can also cause disagreements if your partner feels you’re shutting down and they don’t have any understanding as to why that is,” explains Psychologist Carly Dober. “Pretending that things are okay and nothing is wrong can be stressful and exhausting at the best of times, but even more so when you have a mental health challenge that taxes your energy like depression. You also likely won’t be able to pretend for too long that everything is okay when it isn’t, and they might assume something is being hidden but they won’t be sure what it is.”

“We also know that many common mental illnesses like depression can impact mood and relationship satisfaction, sexual libido and arousal, and energy and motivation. All of these things do impact the relationship to varying degrees depending on how severe people symptoms are. When your partner knows what is happening for you they’re able to not personalise what changes might occur in your mood or behaviour, and to also provide you that support in a moment that you really need it. Communicating what is happening for you to your partner can also increase the emotional intimacy between the two of you, and will help you importantly need to feel like you aren’t alone. People typically will overestimate how stressful or uncomfortable the conversation will be, and underestimate how supportive and loving their partners are after disclosing the status of their mental health. Once again, I always encourage people to think if the roles were reversed would you like to know? You likely would, and you would not think your partner was being a burden, you would probably want to know how to best support them through that. You’ll likely grow stronger as a couple, and feel more confident about your ability as a team to work through life when it gets rough.”

But yes – sharing a mood disorder with someone you like isn’t the same as talking about your swing dancing hobby or your dream of having a pet cow. While it tells your partner more about who you are, it can be scary to open up about a health struggle.

So how do you start the conversation? There’s no one right way, of course. Telling someone new about your depression can feel like a boulder being lifted off your shoulders. And it can be a good way to tell if said partner is potentially long-term material. (If they don’t seem supportive, it’s probably not gonna work out.) Here, Dober shares her best advice.

1. Come right out and tell them/ open up right away

“Open and clear communication about mental health challenges which is something that feels so personal can be difficult even in the most healthy relationships. We know that depression can lead to differences in our thinking and our mood which can make sharing this kind of information very challenging. I suggest signposting to your partner this is a really important conversation early on so they can come to the conversation ready to support you in the best way they can. We know that struggling in silence can often impact relationships without the person meaning to, and by telling your partner early on you both have the best chance of supported recovery. Try to remember that your partner is one of the people in your life there to support you, and if you feel self-conscious or anxious about sharing this – consider if the roles were reversed how grateful you would be if they shared this with you,” says Dober.

“Explain the symptoms in terms that they can understand, as not everyone has a good idea about what depression is. If they do struggle to understand, share a medical resource or wesbite that lists depression symptoms to supports their knowledge. Let them know when this started, and if you’ve ever experienced this before. Explain what difficulties you’re noticing in your daily life. Consider asking them for some help in the short-term if you’re finding it difficult to be social or to do chores around the house, and explain that depression is a common mental health experience that there is treatment for.”

2. Put it in written word, whether that be a letter or text

“A text or a letter can be much less intimidating for some people, especially when they’re feeling vulnerable about sharing a mental health issue. If you feel like this would be the best step for you, consider drafting the written communication with everything important that you’d like to share in it- and ensuring your partner receives it at a helpful time. If you send a serious text right before they have a big meeting, they might not be able to respond in the way they’d usually like to, or for some time- and this may leave you feeling unsupported or unloved (and your depression might be amplifying this experience),” she explains.

“This could be a stressful thing for them to read about their partner, so consider sharing resources with them if appropriate, or sharing what they could do to best help you through this period. Depending on your partners communication style and emotional intelligence, some people might not know how to respond to written communication, or they might shut down and avoid the conversation due to not knowing how to help. If you’d like to follow this up with a conversation with your partner, put that in writing to them.”

3. Invite them to a therapy session so they can better understand via a professional

“Sometimes, bringing in a professional to explore and explain in clear terms what is happening emotionally, mentally, and physically with depression can be incredibly helpful. You might have a great understanding of depression, and you might not. Often a therapist is an objective third-party that can support communication around what to expect, explain what a treatment plan typically looks like, and how a partner can best support their loved one going through depression.”

“A therapist can also provide common boundary advice or relationship guardrails to ensure that the relationship remains healthy for all involved, this might look like communicating a safety plan to them if there is any risk, or letting them know what other options for support are available if need be. Your partner can also be a cheerleader for you as you recover and work on managing your symptoms, and if they feel involved in the treatment plan this can be an experience that brings couples together even through a stressful chapter in their lives together.”

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