I had been with the father of my children for 10 years when we decided to start a family. At that time, we were in this amazing season of life, and everything felt like it had come together. I had an abundance of social support, and everyone was so thrilled for us. When our son was born, becoming a mum and being a parent was the most rewarding and beautiful gift I could have ever received. But at the same time, there was an intense urge simmering beneath the surface to perfect every step of parenting.
When it came to my second pregnancy, life was incredibly different. It felt bleak and challenging. My mental health was poor, my social network had vanished and stresses in my marriage were mounting. This is not what I had experienced the first time and I couldn’t make sense of it. I felt disconnected and detached.
Despite having pre-existing mental health challenges such as C-PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder, I wasn’t aware that I was suffering from pre-natal depression. A midwife noticed the signs that my mental health was significantly deteriorating and put me in touch with the hospital’s perinatal mental health team.
Despite experiencing a traumatic birth and deteriorating mental health, access to this support ceased at a time when I needed it the most. No alternatives were offered. I was left feeling incredibly lost and alone, but I believed that I now needed to ‘just be well and get on with life’. I was too scared to tell anyone how I felt and ended up unintentionally withdrawing from my family. I had post-natal depression.
I became severely depressed, overwhelmed and over-stimulated. I was struggling immensely with my daughters’ cries. Her cry was so high-pitched, and it felt like it was piercing my ears. I couldn’t think straight and was emotionally dysregulated. When she cried, I felt like I was doing it all wrong and couldn’t get anything right, which only made me worse.
The call that connected me with hope
I remember the evening I made that first call to Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australia (PANDA). I was at breaking point. I was pacing the lounge room, holding my crying baby and being bombarded with the voices of others saying ‘she can feel your anxiety, your sadness, your frustration’. I tried to do everything ‘by the book’ but nothing was working and I was convinced I was the reason for her cries. I began to question my ability as a mum or if I even wanted to be a mum. I was in full panic and my urges to hurt myself were escalating. I knew in that moment; I needed to speak to someone.
A frantic Google search led me to the PANDA website, and before I knew it, I was dialling the number. I had no idea what I was going to say, or if it was the right thing to do. I was scared. My head was a mess, but I knew that I needed to do something before this escalated further.
When the counsellor answered the phone, I tried to find the words to explain, but only tears poured out. The counsellor was patient and stayed present with me. They were incredibly empathetic and understanding. The counsellor was able to gently guide me with some immediate techniques to ease the situation. By the end of the call, I breathed a sigh of relief. I felt more in control and could see a glimmer of hope. That first phone call saved my life and with every phone call thereafter.
The path back to motherhood
I was eventually admitted to the Lavender Mother and Baby Mental Health Unit which allowed me to slowly develop a beautiful bond with my daughter.
Since then, my relationship with my children has only grown stronger, I have become a community champion for PANDA and I have worked as a peer worker in perinatal mental health. Both my daughter, Ada (5) and son, Xander (7) are so caring, thoughtful and loving. They are the absolute light of my life. My goal is to continue in my recovery so I can be a positive example to them and to let our bond flourish.
If you ever find yourself in a position of feeling hopeless, alone, confused, scared, or overwhelmed, please make that call. It could be life-changing. I assure you there is light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve been there, but here I am now enjoying life with my two amazing children. I am glad I am here to share this life with them.
What's the difference between perinatal and postpartum depression?
Perinatal depression and postpartum depression are both serious mood disorders that affect women during and after pregnancy, but they occur at different times and have distinct characteristics. Perinatal depression encompasses a broader timeframe, occurring anytime during pregnancy and up to a year after childbirth. It includes both prenatal depression, which arises during pregnancy, and postpartum depression, which begins after delivery. Postpartum depression, a subset of perinatal depression, specifically develops after childbirth, typically within the first few weeks or months. While both conditions share overlapping symptoms, understanding their timing is crucial for effective diagnosis and treatment.
How common is perinatal depression?
Perinatal depression is relatively common, affecting approximately 1 in 7 women during pregnancy or in the first year postpartum. Despite its frequency, perinatal depression often goes undiagnosed due to stigma, lack of awareness, or misattributing symptoms to the normal challenges of motherhood. This is why routine screening and education during prenatal and postpartum care is so important.
What are the early warning signs of perinatal depression?
Early warning signs of perinatal depression often overlap with symptoms of general depression but can manifest uniquely in the context of pregnancy or postpartum life. These signs include persistent sadness, irritability or mood swings, excessive anxiety, fatigue, sleep disturbances, appetite changes and feelings of guilt.
Anyone having trouble coping with pregnancy or being a new parent can visit panda.org.au or call the PANDA Helpline on 1300 726 306 Monday to Friday, 9am – 7.30pm and Saturday 9am – 4pm (AEST/AEDT).
For information and resources about Perinatal Mental Health Week, visit panda.org.au/awareness/perinatal-mental-health-week.
