I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years, and recently I’ve noticed that I’ve lost a lot of my desire for sex. He’s worried that I’m no longer attracted to him and thinks I’m making excuses when I say I’m tired. I don’t know how to explain it or what to do. How can I handle this?
Yours, Not Feeling It
Hi Not Feeling It,
First of all, it’s completely understandable that you’re feeling uncertain about your desire levels and worried about how it’s affecting your relationship. Mismatched desire is a common challenge for many couples, and it can feel confusing and frustrating for both partners.
The good news? There are steps you can take together to reduce tension and keep your relationship strong.
Loss of desire is more common than we think
Losing sexual desire after several years in a relationship happens to a lot of people—way more than we often realise. Desire naturally ebbs and flows, and it’s often influenced by things like stress, routine, or even emotional disconnection.
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The key thing to remember is that a drop in desire doesn’t mean you’re no longer attracted to each other or that something is wrong with your relationship.
Why sexual desire changes over time
To understand what’s happening, it’s helpful to look at how sexual desire works. There are two main types of desire: spontaneous desire and responsive desire.
- Spontaneous desire is what most people experience in the early stages of a relationship. It pops up out of nowhere and feels effortless. This kind of desire often thrives on the excitement and newness of a fresh connection.
- Responsive desire, which is much more common in long-term relationships, is different. It doesn’t appear out of the blue—it responds to emotional closeness, relaxation, or feeling connected. It might take time or the right circumstances to ignite, but it’s just as valid as spontaneous desire. Often, it’s misunderstood as a lack of interest, when really, it just needs the right environment to ignite.
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One way to think about it is like driving a car—it has both brakes and accelerators working at the same time.
- Sexual accelerators are the things that spark desire—emotional connection, physical affection, or even just a stress-free, comfortable environment.
- Sexual brakes are what hold desire back. This could be everyday stress, exhaustion, or unresolved relationship issues.
If the brakes are pressed too hard, it doesn’t matter how many accelerators you add—desire won’t come back until you address what’s slowing it down.
Practical steps to deal with loss of desire
Dealing with a loss of desire isn’t about finding a quick fix—it needs a strategy that focuses on both emotional and physical connection. The goal is to work together as a team, strengthen your relationship, and tackle what’s holding desire back.
Here’s where to start.
Talk to your partner and work as a team
Open communication is key. Let your partner know how you’re feeling without making it about them or their attractiveness. Focus on how you can work together to bring back that spark. Be honest about where you’re at, and remember—you’re both on the same team. You’ll make the most change when you’re working together.
Strengthen your relationship
Research shows that emotional closeness is the secret sauce to sexual desire. So, spend some quality time together. Whether it’s a date night, a long walk, or just a deep conversation, nurturing your emotional connection sets the stage for intimacy to come back.
Identify what’s hitting the brakes
When desire fades, there are usually “brakes” slowing things down. These might include:
- Stress or exhaustion
- Feeling emotionally disconnected
- Tension or unresolved arguments
- Feeling swamped by life’s responsibilities
Once you spot these brakes, you can start working to ease off on them.
Step on the accelerators
After clearing the brakes, it’s time to rev up those accelerators. Try adding more physical affection without the pressure of sex, or shake things up with new activities or date ideas. The key is to create an environment where desire has the chance to naturally grow.
Consider professional support
If things aren’t improving, that’s okay—sometimes you need a little extra help. Seeing a therapist can help you both understand what’s going on and offer tools to bring back that spark in a healthy, lasting way.
Isiah McKimmie is one of the most qualified relationship and intimacy experts in Australia. She’s passionate about supporting people to have happy relationships and playful sex lives. Isiah offers relationship counselling and sexology to individuals and couples and offers effective online programs for those who just need some extra guidance.
