Do you dream of a relationship in which you can be yourself, feel loved and connected and grow as individuals and a couple? Do you desire a relationship that offers you a partner, a friend, a lover and a safe haven from the perils of life? If so, then you are in the right place. As a couples therapist, clinical psychologist and happily married individual, I want to share with you 8 key secrets that when addressed will not simply improve your relationship, but elevate your entire existence.
It’s helpful to see these 8 secrets as relationship links, important and strong individually, but also connecting to one another, to create a reinforced and indestructible fabric, the fabric of your relationship. If one link is broken, it weakens the overall fabric, leading to tears in your relationship fabric; tension or disconnection. The more broken links, the bigger the problems. The same goes in reverse. If we mend a broken link, it goes a long way to strengthen the overall relationship structure. The more sturdy the links, the more fulfilling and resilient your relationship will be.
The secret to relationship happiness is in the links. Here are my 8 secrets (links) to a fulfilling relationship.
Build personal insight
While some people are more self-aware than others, we all have behaviours and patterns that we are blind to. To have a fulfilling love life, you must embrace self-reflection and accountability. This is empowering and allows you to create change where you want to.
Address your partner attachment
You want to set up a robust foundation within your relationship so you can feel safe together and free to explore the world. Setting up relationship boundaries, agreeing on how you want this relationship to be and learning how to navigate the many domains of life will create a greater sense of trust in one another and safety to be yourself.
The sum of small moments determines the overall mood of your relationship
Small moments are powerful and are occurring all the time between you and your partner. If the sum of your small moments is positive, you will have a good relationship. However, the opposite is also true. If your daily interactions are too negative or neutral, they will compound and lead to disconnection. It’s imperative to create a habit of small positive moments that will compound to bring more joy into your relationship. This could be simple positive actions that build warmth and positivity to your partnership, such as greeting your partner at the door with a kiss or driving them to an appointment.
Attune to and validate each other
Humans need to feel understood, seen and heard. They need validation. People tend to overestimate how good they are at listening and validating their partners. To thrive in a relationship, you must learn how to truly listen and understand one another. You can do this by taking time to simply listen to what your partner is saying and feedback what you hear. This must occur with no judgments, rebuttals or advice-giving.
Navigate conflict effectively
It won’t be news to you that one of the biggest reason relationships fail is conflict. Yet, conflict is inevitable and can be a positive tension point to ensure continued growth for both of you in your relationship. Understanding your conflict cycles and how each of you tend to turn up to disagreements can be life changing. Approaching conflict with curiosity and compassion can help you break negative patterns and instill new healthy strategies to bring more harmony and less stress to your relationship.
Build deeper bonds
This means increasing quality time together and overcoming the obstacles and patterns of behaviour that block deep connections. These are behaviours both you and your partner engage in that destroy connection. For example, excessive phone scrolling or focusing only on solo activities. Furthermore, to build deeper bonds you will need to work on common ventures together and continue to get to know one another via curiosity into each other’s inner worlds.
Understand your vulnerabilities
Each partner brings to the relationship their own vulnerabilities and insecurities, usually as a result of your background, family of origin or past relationships. As these emerge within the relationship context, they cause tension and disconnection. The way forward is to go deep within yourself to understand your vulnerabilities, then share these with your partner, so you can heal together.
Prioritise your sexual connection
Your sex life holds the potential for self-discovery and mutual sexual exploration in your relationship. You cannot address your sexual connection without communication. Therefore, the first step is to talk about your sex life with your partner. Judgment and shaming kills desire, so be curious and kind.
Each of these 8 essential links require attention, work and time. But remember, just focusing on one link at a time will have a positive impact on the overall fabric of your relationship.
