My ex cheated on me and now I have trust issues with my new boyfriend. I get worried when he goes out drinking with friends and I can’t help being suspicious of who he’s messaging on his phone. He’s tried to be reassuring and hasn’t really given me any reason not to trust him, but I can tell he’s getting annoyed. How can I get over this and just enjoy the relationship I have?
Yours, Looking For Answers
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Hi Looking For Answers,
Feeling anxious or suspicious in a new relationship after being cheated on is completely understandable. Trust is such a foundational part of any relationship, and when it’s broken, it can leave deep wounds. Being cheated on can make it hard to feel safe or secure in relationships for a while – even with a partner who hasn’t done anything to break your trust.
Being cheated on is shattering
Many people struggle with trust issues after betrayal. It’s part of the mind’s way of trying to protect you from being hurt again. Infidelity isn’t just painful—it can shake us to the core, and for some people, the experience can even lead to symptoms similar to PTSD.
After being hurt, our minds and emotions can become highly sensitive to anything that feels even slightly like a red flag, and it’s understandable that you might feel on edge, even with a partner who hasn’t given you a reason to worry.
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There are some steps that you can take to rebuild your inner trust and create strong, healthy relationships moving forward.
Your ex is a jerk, but the issue might be deeper than that
While it’s easy to blame all your trust issues on your ex (and let’s be real, they didn’t help!), there’s a deeper layer here that might be affecting how you feel.
Our attachment styles—formed early in life based on how we learned to connect with others—can impact how we react to betrayal and approach new relationships.
If you have an anxious attachment style, for example, you might feel extra sensitive to any signs of distance or potential rejection, even with a trustworthy partner. Understanding your attachment style can help you recognize when old patterns are creeping in, so you can start focusing on the present relationship and your current partner’s actions rather than past wounds.
How to heal your trust issues for healthy relationships
Build inner resilience
One of the most empowering things you can do to rebuild trust is to learn how to self-soothe when feelings of anxiety or suspicion arise. This doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings; instead, it’s about developing a mindful awareness of them and managing them in ways that feel grounding and supportive.
Practice self-awareness
Start by simply noticing when you feel those anxious thoughts creeping in. Take a mental note of what triggers them—maybe it’s when your partner goes out or checks their phone. By naming the feeling and its trigger, you’re creating a bit of distance from the emotion, which can help you respond rather than react.
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Mindfulness techniques
Mindfulness can be a powerful tool here. When you feel on edge, try grounding yourself in the present moment. This could mean focusing on your breath, paying attention to physical sensations, or taking a short walk to shift your focus. Practicing mindfulness helps you connect to the here and now, instead of getting lost in “what if” scenarios that might stem from past experiences.
Build emotional intelligence
Learning to understand and regulate your emotions is a key part of self-soothing. Ask yourself what you really need in those moments of worry. Is it reassurance? A reminder of the positives in your relationship? By tuning into these needs, you’re nurturing an internal sense of security that can carry you through moments of doubt.
Communicate openly with your partner
While it’s empowering to work on managing your own emotions, it’s equally important to communicate with your partner about what you’re going through. When trust has been broken in the past, letting your new partner in on your experience can make a real difference in building understanding and closeness.
Start by calmly explaining where these feelings come from—not to place blame, but to give him insight into why certain situations, like nights out with friends, might make you feel uneasy. You might say, “I know you haven’t done anything to lose my trust, but being cheated on before has made it hard for me to fully relax in new relationships. I’m working on it, but I just wanted you to know.”
Once you’ve shared your feelings, be open about what might help you feel supported. This could mean asking for a quick text check-in when he’s out or setting aside time to talk about any worries you’re working through. By inviting him to be part of your journey, you’re giving him the chance to support you, which can strengthen trust and foster greater intimacy between you.
Consider professional support
Reaching out for professional support can be a transformative step. Working with a therapist can give you the tools to process past hurt, understand your attachment patterns, and build lasting emotional resilience. Therapy offers a safe space to unpack the impact of infidelity and to explore what you need to feel secure moving forward.
A therapist can also help you identify any lingering beliefs or fears that may be holding you back from fully embracing this new relationship. With professional guidance, you’ll develop practical strategies to strengthen trust in yourself and your relationship. Sometimes, having someone walk you through these steps makes all the difference, helping you heal more deeply and reconnect with a sense of hope and possibility in love.
Healing from infidelity and trust issues takes time. Be gentle on yourself. You’ve already shown a lot of courage and determination by making it this far. You’ve got this.
Isiah McKimmie is one of the most qualified relationship and intimacy experts in Australia. She’s passionate about supporting people to have happy relationships and playful sex lives. Isiah offers relationship counselling and sexology to individuals and couples and offers effective online programs for those who just need some extra guidance.
