Grief usually follows a well-defined path. We expect it after a break up, the death of a loved one, the closing of a chapter. We know it will hurt, and most of us know that the hurt will slowly recede with time as life goes back to it’s usual pace.
There is another loss though, that has no clearly defined path. It’s confusing. It can be lonelier. I’m talking about ambiguous loss.
What is ambiguous loss?
Ambiguous loss happens when someone is physically gone but psychologically there. This might refer to people who are missing or people whose bodies are gone in some way, through events like terrorism or extreme weather disasters.
Pexels: Majestical Jasmin
Another type of ambiguous loss happens when there’s a lack of psychological presence while someone is physically there, through events like miscarriage, being a child within the foster system, having a loved one be diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or similar memory problem, or estranged family relationships.
When a person dies, there is a definitive end that is understood, which allows the grieving process to begin with a clear understanding of the loss. Ambiguous loss however leaves loved ones in a state of limbo, where the uncertainty of the missing person’s fate creates ongoing, unresolved grief. This type of loss is marked by the absence of closure, making it challenging to move through traditional stages of mourning. The constant hope and fear, the inability to fully accept the loss, and the unresolved questions about the missing person’s whereabouts or condition perpetuate a cycle of distress and hinder emotional healing.
What are the signs of ambiguous loss?
People experiencing ambiguous loss may face a complex and multifaceted range of emotional, physical, cognitive, and social challenges.
Emotionally, they often grapple with intense feelings of anxiety, sadness, frustration, and guilt, compounded by the uncertainty of the situation. Physically, the stress of unresolved grief can manifest as fatigue, sleep disturbances, and various stress-related health issues. Cognitively, they might have trouble concentrating, experience persistent rumination about the missing person, and feel a sense of helplessness due to the lack of closure. Socially, ambiguous loss can lead to isolation, as others may struggle to understand their ongoing grief, potentially causing strained relationships and a lack of social support. This combination of factors creates a uniquely challenging and enduring form of grief that requires specialised coping strategies and support.
Pexels: Liza Summer
How to manage ambiguous loss
In a time where it feels like you have little control, try to remember where you can put your time and energy.
When experiencing ambiguous loss, people can take several steps to support their mental and physical well-being.
- Firstly, seeking professional help from a therapist who specialises in grief and ambiguous loss can provide tailored strategies and a safe space to express emotions.
- Engaging in regular physical activity, such as walking, yoga, or other forms of exercise, can help alleviate stress and improve overall health.
- Practicing mindfulness and relaxation techniques, such as meditation or deep breathing exercises, can aid in managing anxiety and promote regular moments of supporting your physiological state.
- Staying connected with supportive friends and family members is crucial for emotional support, even if it means explaining the unique nature of ambiguous loss to them.
- Additionally, setting small, manageable goals and maintaining a routine can provide a sense of normalcy and control in an otherwise uncertain situation.
- Joining support groups, either in-person or online, can also be beneficial, as sharing experiences with others facing similar challenges can reduce feelings of isolation and foster a sense of community.
Ambiguous loss looks different for everyone. Remember that their feelings are your own, and they are all welcome. It’s important to acknowledge these emotions without judgment and recognise that grief is not linear; it is a personal and evolving process.
Most importantly, give yourself permission to grieve in your own way and time, understanding that finding ways to live with the ambiguity is a gradual and personal journey.
It’s important to seek help if you’re feeling overwhelmed, anxious or noticing any other effects on your own mental health or that of the people around you. You can phone Lifeline to speak to a Crisis Supporter on 13 11 14, text 0477 131 114 for support, or chat to Lifeline online at lifeline.org.au – all services are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Dober owns Enriching Lives Psychology and is the director at the Australian Association of Psychologists Incorporated and Body Safety Australia. She works alongside Headspace App’s global team and professionally covers topics including but not limited to; mental health, depression, anxiety, stress and burnout, anger management, phobias, relationship difficulties, sexuality and sexual development.
