How To Show Your Support For Someone Going Through Fertility Struggles

The first and loudest phrase you’ll likely hear if you talk to someone who has experienced pregnancy loss or infertility is: it’s so isolating. No matter your situation, so much can feel, well, gone: pregnancy, a baby, but also control, how you thought your life would look, and trust in your body. That’s why it makes total sense to approach fertility challenges, as well as pregnancy and perinatal loss, through a grief lens, says Dvora Entin, a specialist in perinatal and reproductive mental health.

Yet while we tend to sit with people’s pain in other areas of life – attending funerals and honouring those we’ve lost – too often these specific types of struggles are met with a flood of pat, inappropriate, non-empathetic responses: “You’ll get pregnant again!” “At least you have another child.” “This happened for a reason.” Loss is often invalidated, which compounds those feelings of aloneness. “People wind up thinking, ‘I’m not going to tell anybody about this because no one is going to get it’,” says Entin.

Up to one in five known pregnancies end in miscarriage before 20 weeks, while around one in six couples of reproductive age experiences fertility difficulties. So, yes, issues are common – and so is not knowing what to say to communicate thoughtfulness and sensitivity to a loved one experiencing them. To lead you through the waters, WH spoke to perinatal mental health professionals and people who have faced loss
or infertility.

Do: Check in Without Expectation

If, for example, your friend who is freezing her eggs tells you she’s going to an appointment next week, Entin suggests checking in at that time with a statement like, “Been thinking of you. I hope your doctor’s visit goes well.” You might even add, “No need to share more if you don’t want to.” The goal is to be someone who is present but has no expectation of a response and doesn’t require additional personal details or validation, says Brianna Davin, a mother who has experienced loss. 

Don’t: Use “At Least”

At least you’re young. At least you already have a child. At least you miscarried early. At least you have more eggs frozen. These are some common ways we minimise pain and engage in comparative suffering (ie. ‘Well, X didn’t happen, so in a way, you don’t have it so bad’). “You likely don’t know the ins and outs of [their] reproductive journey… or how hard it is for them to have babies or not,” says Tiffany Conyers, a psychotherapist who experienced miscarriage and lost a son, Miles, in 2020 to a condition that was incompatible with life.

Do: Follow the Lead on Language

Listen to how someone describes their own experience to inform how you speak to them. For example, when your sister references her miscarriage, does she call the baby a baby? Does she say ‘foetus’? Maybe she uses a name to refer to the baby she lost. Take verbal cues to meet them where they are in their grief, says Entin.

Don’t: Talk About Bigger Meanings

Avoid messaging that circles around how “there’s a reason for this” or that tries to justify something so painful, says Sierra Jonathan, 29, who has experienced loss. Telling a grieving friend their baby is in a better place or that this was part of a bigger plan is often the result of someone trying to find the right language, notes Conyers. While these words may seem to offer solace, they aren’t appropriate and diminish what the person is going through. In her experience, Conyers tried to find kindness and grace for loved ones who used these phrases, understanding that they, too, were at a loss for words. (A good reminder that even when support doesn’t land well, most people are trying to help and are coming from a place of concern.)

Don’t: Use Platitudes

Reminding someone they’re a superstar or gushing, “I don’t know how you do it,” are no-nos. Phrases like these minimise an experience that wasn’t a choice. When someone says, “You’re amazing,” it also closes the door to vulnerability, says Entin. They might be less inclined to tell you they’re having a horrible day or couldn’t stop crying yesterday at work. Instead, acknowledge the unique strengths you see in that person. Try, “You’re showing courage in making the decision to do fertility preservation,” or, “I know this process takes a lot out of you – you’re doing
it with such grace.”

Do: Say “I’m Here”

Erin Erenberg, a mum of three and co-founder of the Chamber of Mothers, recalls “something very specific” a friend said to her that meant the world: “Losing a baby is a very lonely kind of loss. I’m here if you want to talk.” Erin adds, “Those words rang so true to me.” Simply communicating to someone who is suffering that you’re there helps them know they don’t have to retreat with their pain, says Conyers.

Don’t: Downplay Someone’s Hardship

Have a friend doing in vitro and find yourself complaining about your toddler? Pick someone else to vent to. Being conscious of conversations that take place around a person on a fertility journey is a form of respect, says Entin. It doesn’t go unnoticed. “It’s been really hard to watch friends get pregnant with and give birth to baby girls since we lost our baby girl,” says Sasha Pullan, head of content for self-care app Robyn, who experienced a stillbirth. “The hardest part is that there’s been little recognition of our loss during their pregnancy and birth journeys. I certainly don’t want them to focus on the negative – and I want to celebrate them – but I wish there was some mention of it, something like ‘We’re having a girl. I know this might be hard for you because you lost your baby girl.’” 

Do: Show Up in Consistent Ways

When it comes to supporting someone, it’s often more about what you do (and how you continue to show up) versus what you might say, Entin says. This may mean calling, texting or visiting. It could be dropping off breakfast or leaving it on your friend’s doorstep.

For Sierra, what helped her were friends who shared sentiments like, “This sucks. I’ll have dinner or groceries delivered for you.” The directness and specificity of that type of care is “easy to say yes to, requires no mental space by having to explain or choose something, it’s not overwhelming, and it’s helpful,” Sierra says. Throughout grief, many people say they feel as though they have to start comforting others, instead of the other way around. “By giving someone permission to not answer the door, you’re honouring their privacy [and] the depth of what they
are experiencing,” Entin says.