Chances are you’ve heard of ‘Eldest Daughter Syndrome.’ It’s not a clinical term and psychologists don’t use this as a diagnostic label, but it’s an experience that resonates deeply with many eldest daughters. This syndrome is about the shared experience that encapsulates the emotional and psychological weight many eldest daughters carry throughout their lives.
What is eldest daughter syndrome?
Eldest daughter syndrome refers to the unique set of expectations, responsibilities, and pressures placed on the eldest girl in a family, often beginning from a young age. While this experience doesn’t exclude first born sons and non-binary people, women are typically the ones who are expected to engage in gendered work more than their younger siblings. The eldest daughter often assumes roles, or is provided roles typically associated with caregiving, emotional labour, and even parental duties. This can lead to feelings of being overburdened, emotionally drained, and, at times, unseen.
Grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, and helping raise younger siblings, and helping your parents with their relationship- the eldest daughter is often expected to be responsible, mature, and dependable, even at an age when she should be carefree. As families navigate daily life, eldest daughters may find themselves stepping into a maternal or leadership role far earlier than their peers, which can shape their self-perception and relationships well into adulthood.
How do social and gender norms influence eldest daughter syndrome
The experience of being an eldest daughter is deeply rooted in traditional gender roles, cultural norms and societal expectations. Historically, women have been viewed as the nurturers and caretakers within families, and this expectation often begins with the eldest daughter. In many cultures, the firstborn girl is expected to “help out” more than her younger siblings, often in ways that mimic the roles and responsibilities of a parent. This expectation may be particularly pronounced in households where both parents work, or where the emotional and physical labour within the family is unequally distributed.
Gender norms reinforce the idea that women should be naturally caring and nurturing, and eldest daughters are often assigned this role by default. While sons may be encouraged to pursue independence and personal development, eldest daughters are often subtly (or not-so-subtly) expected to stay close to home and support the family unit. This uneven distribution of responsibility is frequently internalised by the eldest daughter, who may grow up feeling that her worth is tied to how well she can care for others. She also may feel like she is not as valued as the men and boys in the family.
The societal pressure on women to be caregivers can be compounded by cultural factors. In many cultures, the eldest daughter is expected to look after her younger siblings, assist with household chores, and even take on an emotional caretaker role for the family. This sense of obligation often carries over into adulthood, with eldest daughters feeling responsible not only for their siblings but also for their ageing parents and extended family members.
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While fulfilling family obligations can create a sense of pride and purpose, the constant weight of responsibility can also take a toll on mental health. Eldest daughters often report feelings of burnout, anxiety, and guilt. This is especially true if they are unable to meet the high expectations set for them. This sense of duty can lead to the development of perfectionist tendencies, where anything short of success feels like failure. Perfectionism is also highly correlated to and a risk factor for developing an [eating%20disorder.]eating disorder.
Eldest daughters may also experience emotional exhaustion from managing not only their own feelings but also the emotions of their family members. Because they are often seen as the responsible one, there isn’t much space for them to express their own vulnerabilities or struggles. The pressure to be strong for others can prevent eldest daughters from seeking help when they need it most, leading to emotional isolation and common mental health issues like depression.
Eldest daughters can also experience parentification. This is when a child is placed in a caregiving role that exceeds their developmental capabilities. Eldest daughters often find themselves acting as parents to their siblings, managing everything from emotional conflicts to logistical issues. This role reversal can lead to a loss of childhood and an inability to establish healthy boundaries in adulthood. This can also impact the relationship with their youngest siblings across their lives.
Many eldest daughters report feeling significant guilt when establishing their sense of independence and identity. When exploring things like career, education, or romantic relationships, the feeling of guilt can be overwhelming. This guilt can lead to feelings of resentment, frustration, and even identity crises, as eldest daughters struggle to balance family obligations with their own personal growth.
The eldest daughter syndrome impacts can be broken. Simply recognising the emotional labour is the first step. By acknowledging these feelings, eldest daughters can begin to set healthier boundaries with themselves and with their families.
Open communication is vital. Having honest conversations with family members about the emotional and mental toll of caregiving can be difficult, but it is necessary to shift the dynamic. Eldest daughters are often afraid of disappointing their families, but expressing the need for support, understanding, or even just a break can go a long way in fostering a healthier family environment.
Eldest daughters also need to consider making space for self-care and personal fulfillment. Whether through therapy, journaling, or spending time with supportive friends, taking time to reflect on personal needs and desires can help eldest daughters reclaim their autonomy and self-worth.
Eldest daughters are often placed on an invisible pedestal, expected to be caregivers, problem-solvers, and emotional anchors. While these roles can foster resilience and responsibility, they can also lead to burnout, anxiety, and emotional exhaustion. If you’re an eldest daughter… please go make yourself a cup of tea and relax somewhere.
Carly Dober owns Enriching Lives Psychology and is the director at the Australian Association of Psychologists Incorporated and Body Safety Australia. She works alongside Headspace App’s global team and professionally covers topics including but not limited to; mental health, depression, anxiety, stress and burnout, anger management, phobias, relationship difficulties, sexuality and sexual development.
